Seeing this picture made me realize that there are lots of things that I cannot do now. Traveling is one.
I have to admit that I've been depressed lately. You see, my life at this moment is clearly non-enviable. All I do everyday is take care of Nathan. Not that I am complaining. I know that I am privileged to have the chance to be with my son all the time, that we can still afford to live here comfortably despite my not working. But I've really never imagined myself being in this situation ever.
You see, I am like a prisoner in my own home. It's winter time so Nathan and I couldn't go out without my husband. Unfortunately, Ford accepted a part-time job when we were in the Philippines (because of boredom) and I couldn't anymore convince him to quit. He works until 10pm on weekdays (he requested for a MWF schedule but it has yet to be put into effect). So from Monday to Friday, I spend 12 hours watching over Nathan and the remaining hours doing house chores (and sleeping). I hardly have time to do craft or blog. Weekends are busy as well. We have to squeeze all our errands and other chores into two days.
I am not a domestic type. I really am not happy with just staying home. I am just doing it because I have to. Because we are in Canada. That's probably the reason why I am still half-hearted in living here. Life in the Philippines is so much easier, domestic-wise. Plus I have mobility there.
Here in Canada, I am fully dependent on my husband. On everything. Whatever happened to the independent and smart Ces?
This is not me. A lot of people used to look up to me, including my husband. I was this pretty (and sexy) UP Professor who's got so much potential. Everyone admired me. Ngayon ako na lang si Ces na asa sa asawa. Napag-iiwanan na ako, yun ang totoo.
When I am feeling bad, I always reason that my life 'deteriorated' because I am now in Canada. Totoo rin naman. I have a one-year old child that I need to take care of. Most mothers here with young children stay at home. Pero sino bang niloloko ko? I have chosen the path of laziness and complacency kaya ganito ako ngayon.
I know that my life has to change or our family life would suffer. I can't be a good wife and mother if I am not happy.
Yesterday, I told Ford that I want to get a driver's license already. It's my first step toward independence. I have to overcome my fear of driving here. Haler, I've been driving in Manila since I was 18, how difficult could driving here be?
I will be living in Canada for the rest of my life so I better be good. I better stop using motherhood as an excuse for a lousy lifestyle. I am only 36, I can still do so much more.
And oh, I WILL TRAVEL AGAIN. Someday. Hopefully soon. (I have to keep this in mind for extra drive. But of course, I will bring the husband and the son with me!).
Hi Ces,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading (and enjoying) your blog for the past year or so. Stumbled upon it via GT. :)
I'm also in the same predicament. I used to be so independent back in the PH, but when my husband and I moved here to Latin America, I felt so useless. Ultimong pag-order lang ng pagkain di ko pa magawa, because I can't speak in Spanish. I tried to learn but I never followed through. What's worse, I'm not allowed to work here because of some bilateral agreement between PH and the country where we live in. My husband and I don't have a kid yet, so I'm bored out of my skull. I have online freelance work, so that keeps me sane for most part of the day. I'm an introvert so I don't mind not talking to anyone, but I so hate feeling of being unproductive.
I have an MBA degree and MA units, but minsan, naawa rin ako sa sarili ko na parang wala akong silbi dito. But I'm trying not wallow in self-pity because it's only me who can help myself. So I started cooking and baking (which I discovered na marunong pala ako magluto, hehe). I also made friends with some Pinays here. Lastly, I'm trying to put up a biz with my friend in the US so that I'll accomplish something man lang while I'm here. Sadly, we're not going to live here permanently; we're moving to another country after a few years, so I have to start all over again.
Anyway, congrats on taking up driving lessons in Canada! Baby steps. :)
Aww! Thanks for this comment, sis. I am quite surprised na may nagbabasa pala ng blog ko haha!
DeleteAng hirap mapunta sa isang alien place noh? Tapos sobrang limited ang pwede nating magawa. Like in your case, hindi ka pala allowed mag-work dyan. Pero tama ka, walang room ang self-pity. Na-inspire mo ako. I'll try to be more productive, although mas mahirap nga lang sa part ko because I have a toddler na. Kahit pagba-blog nga hirap na akong humanap ng tiyempo. Pero basta, magagawan naman ng paraan. Tama na ang excuses lol!
Pero teka, magmomove kayo uli? Mas mahirap nga pala ang situation mo. Pero exciting din naman at the same time. New place and culture to explore. ;)
Congrats and goodluck din nga pala sa business na pinu-put up ninyo. Sana ako rin magka-business dito someday.
Hi Ces,
ReplyDeleteLagi ako nagvivisit dito sa blog mo. I am also living in Edmonton. I just arrived last year and to be honest, I have learned a lot from your stories. I don't usually leave comments in social media. This is actually my first and kahit I'm too shy to comment, kalimutan ko na lang for now because I want to let you know na kahit hindi ka nakakapag update lagi or madaming hindi nagagawa because of your busy everyday life, you are not worthless kasi you are helping others by your stories. For sure, you have inspired a lot of people out there because of this blog and I am one of them. I've been reading your blog even before I came here. So just imagine how big of a help were your stories to me. You have shown me what was Canada and Edmonton even before I came. You might not know, but you have been helping me since then. For sure there are a lot of people out there na natutulungan and naiinspire mo din. You are doing a good job, Ces. Keep it up!
Thanks again for all your help kahit hindi mo alam :)
OMG! Sobrang touched ako sa comment mo, sis! Thank you so much! This really means a lot to me. Hindi ko talaga alam na may nagbabasa talaga sa blog ko, akala ko may mga napapadaan lang. I never mentioned din naman kasi to any of my friends and family members na nagba-blog ako about my life here in Canada.
DeleteI have to admit na ang daming beses kong inattempt na iabandon na ang blog na ito kasi nga hindi ko rin nasusulat yung mga gusto kong isulat. Ang dami kong backlog! Pero dahil sa comments ninyo, naiinspire akong ituloy hehe. Maraming salamat talaga!
Bagong dating ka lang din pala dito sa Edmonton. I hope adjusted ka na. =)