I saw this picture when I looked for some wedding photos that I'll post for our 4th wedding anniversary. It was actually just taken last July 2012 in Jasper (also here in Alberta). Ford and I were newly married and I came here in Canada for a six-week visit.
Seeing this picture made me realize that there are lots of things that I cannot do now. Traveling is one.
I have to admit that I've been depressed lately. You see, my life at this moment is clearly non-enviable. All I do everyday is take care of Nathan. Not that I am complaining. I know that I am privileged to have the chance to be with my son all the time, that we can still afford to live here comfortably despite my not working. But I've really never imagined myself being in this situation ever.
You see, I am like a prisoner in my own home. It's winter time so Nathan and I couldn't go out without my husband. Unfortunately, Ford accepted a part-time job when we were in the Philippines (because of boredom) and I couldn't anymore convince him to quit. He works until 10pm on weekdays (he requested for a MWF schedule but it has yet to be put into effect). So from Monday to Friday, I spend 12 hours watching over Nathan and the remaining hours doing house chores (and sleeping). I hardly have time to do craft or blog. Weekends are busy as well. We have to squeeze all our errands and other chores into two days.
I am not a domestic type. I really am not happy with just staying home. I am just doing it because I have to. Because we are in Canada. That's probably the reason why I am still half-hearted in living here. Life in the Philippines is so much easier, domestic-wise. Plus I have mobility there.
Here in Canada, I am fully dependent on my husband. On everything. Whatever happened to the independent and smart Ces?
This is not me. A lot of people used to look up to me, including my husband. I was this pretty (and sexy) UP Professor who's got so much potential. Everyone admired me. Ngayon ako na lang si Ces na asa sa asawa. Napag-iiwanan na ako, yun ang totoo.
When I am feeling bad, I always reason that my life 'deteriorated' because I am now in Canada. Totoo rin naman. I have a one-year old child that I need to take care of. Most mothers here with young children stay at home. Pero sino bang niloloko ko? I have chosen the path of laziness and complacency kaya ganito ako ngayon.
I know that my life has to change or our family life would suffer. I can't be a good wife and mother if I am not happy.
Yesterday, I told Ford that I want to get a driver's license already. It's my first step toward independence. I have to overcome my fear of driving here. Haler, I've been driving in Manila since I was 18, how difficult could driving here be?
I will be living in Canada for the rest of my life so I better be good. I better stop using motherhood as an excuse for a lousy lifestyle. I am only 36, I can still do so much more.
And oh, I WILL TRAVEL AGAIN. Someday. Hopefully soon. (I have to keep this in mind for extra drive. But of course, I will bring the husband and the son with me!).