I have a confession to make. I am a stay-at-home mom but I am not a good one.
First, let me lay down a context. I am turning 38 next month. In all the years before I had my son, I've never taken care of a child. I am the youngest in the brood of two. I didn't grow up with my younger cousins. Puro adults ang nakasalamuha ko sa buhay ko.
I am also not fond of kids (hanggang ngayon, admittedly). Sure, there are kids that I like/d, pero hanggang ganun lang yun. I thought motherhood would change me, hindi pala. Nagka-soft spot naman ako kahit papano sa mga bata, pero hindi ko pa rin masasabi na "mahilig na ako sa bata." Wala nga raw akong pasensya sabi ni tita ko.
I love Nathan, that is why I am enduring this kind of life (i.e. being a stay-at-home mom) because of him. Honestly, if I have a choice, I would like to continue working. In my more than three years of living here in Canada, I realized na hindi ako talaga domesticated. At this point, iniisip ko na lang na hindi naman permanente ang sitwasyon ko. When my son is older, I can work again.
But as of the moment, I feel that I am a failure as a stay-at-home mom kasi hindi ko natuturuan talaga nang maayos ang anak ko. Sure, I feed him, change his nappies, buy him toys, play with him (a bit)... but that's it. Kulang ako sa effort na turuan siyang humawak ng pencil, mag-color, magmemorize ng alphabet and numbers, etc. And to think naging teacher pa ako dati ha (sa college nga lang).
My son is a very smart boy (I can really say that objectively). Early on, I noticed that he was very self -sufficient. He learned colors, letters, and numbers by himself. Sa kakapanood ng youtube lang. Ang dali nyang pumick-up, ang galing nyang mag-recognize at mag-memorize. Kaya yumabang ako. Naisip ko na kaya niya na yun. Konting chika chika lang with him, ayos na.
Lagi ko rin kasing naiisip that both his dad and I were good in school. So kanino pa ba siya magmamana? I don't remember being pushed hard to study. Sariling sikap lang din ako noon. I see myself in Nathan so confident ako that he'll be ok. Naniniwala rin kasi kami ng asawa ko na "kung matalino ang bata, matalino talaga kahit anong mangyari."
But the other day, when Nathan and I were 'practicing' some letters (mahilig siyang magtuturo ng letters kapag nakakakita siya), I noticed na marami-rami siyang na-miss. I was disappointed, not to him but to myself. Bakit ganun? Halos memorized na niya ang alphabet dati pa, nasa Pinas pa kami. How come hindi na niya alam ngayon yung iba? Kahit sa colors, palagi niyang naiinterchange ang black and brown samantalang alam na alam na niya yun matagal na.
I knew my mother would scold me for this. Siya kasi ang very patient noon na makipaglaro at makipagturuan kay Nathan. Oh, what have I done (or haven't done)?
Since we came back here in Canada (from our 5 1/2 months stay in the Philippines), I dwell on my misery so much that I forgot to 'really' take care of my little boy. The boy who loves and adores me and whose world revolves around me. Ang selfish ko. Puro sarili kong frustrations ang iniisip ko, napabayaan ko talaga ang anak ko. Ang tamad tamad kong makipaglaro sa kanya, siguro kasi nga we are together 24/7. I took him for granted.
My son is already 2 years and 8 months. Ang bilis niyang lumaki. Gusto kong bumawi. From now on, I will make his childhood extra special. I will become a fun mom. Sasamantalahin ko ang time na ito na magkasama kami all the time.
I had a bad dream yesterday. My mother died in my dream. I knew that I shouldn't take dreams literally so I googled for an interpretation.
I found this:
"To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies."
This is probably true. My mother is very caring and nurturing. Ang layo ko sa pagiging nanay niya. Wake up call na nga ito siguro para magbago ako. Grade 6 lang ang natapos ng nanay ko, so I grew up resenting the fact that she couldn't teach me (or talk to me in) English or Algebra. Pero nang makita ko kung paano niya turuan ng ABC ang anak ko, alam kong ganun din ang ginawa niya sa akin noong bata pa ako. Kaya pala ang ganda ng foundation ko. Kaya pala magaling ako sa school. I am so ashamed of myself. Cum Laude graduate pa naman ako sa UP.
Nay, sorry po. I will become a better mother to your grandson. Pangako po.
We've been buying a lot of toys for Nathan lately, pero kulang na kulang siya sa educational materials. Kaya inaya ko kaagad si husband sa mall after his work para masimulan ko na ang project ko. My plan is to allot one-hour a day for Nathan to "study."
Here's what I bought at Dollarama and Walmart:
Crayons = 1.50
Oblong container = 1.25
Paw Patrol Play Pack = 1.50
Flash Cards = 1.50
Sketch Pad = 1.50
Coloring Book = 1.50
TOTAL = 8.75 + 12% tax = 9.80
Pencils = 0.97
Markers = 1.70 (discounted)
Coloring book = 2.97
TOTAL = 5.64 + 12% tax = 6.32
Whew, I spent a grand total of CAD16.12 for all of these. Kailangang masulit.