Regrets

We were at Walmart (Windemere) last night and I wasn't able to resist this picture frame. I've always wanted a frame for Nathan where I can put his first 12 months pictures pero kahapon lang ako nakakita ng gusto ko. I got so excited!

Then it hit me... parang wala akong maayos na one month picture ni Nathan na magandang ilagay sa frame! Still, i bought it. Magka-crop na lang ako ng picture.

Then at the Baby Section, I saw a set of monthly birthday stickers similar to this:

Picture taken from the internet (credits to the owner)

I wanted to cry that very moment. Bakit noon lang ako nakakita ng ganun sa Walmart? Palagi kami sa Walmart when I was pregnant and we bought most of our baby things there, how come na-miss ko ang stickers na ganito?

I also remembered that the other night, I saw a picture on Instagram na parang ganito. A very good monthly pictorial idea for a baby. Nalungkot din ako kasi nga hindi ko na magagawa ito for Nathan. Late na.

Picture taken from the internet (credits to the owner)

I've only been a mother for 11 weeks and I am already filled with regrets. Feeling ko ang dami kong hindi nagawa for my baby at sa pregnancy ko.

• I had very few preggy pictures.
• We never had a good "family" picture when I was pregnant.
• I didn't have a maternity shoot.
• I wasn't able to document my pregnancy, especially the earlier stages.
• I didn't have a baby shower.
• I didn't buy baby keepsakes like baby memory book, casting kits, frames, and milestone stickers.
• I didn't have a nice picture with the newborn Nathan.
• Nathan didn't have a newborn studio pictorial.
• I wasn't able to take videos of Nathan when we were still at the hospital.
• I wasn't able to conceptualize a good monthly birthday pictures for Nathan.

I don't want to blame myself entirely though. Some things were beyond my control. I had a very difficult first trimester so I wasn't able to blog for several months (that was my idea of documentation). I stayed mostly at the house so I never felt the need to buy nice but expensive maternity clothes and have my pictures taken. I didn't have a baby shower because no one here in Edmonton will throw me one. And because I quit working, I didn't have my own money to spend on some pregnancy whims like maternity shoots and baby keepsakes. My husband naman is clueless about those things kaya nahihiya akong masyadong gumastos. We've already spent a lot on the baby's basic needs eh.

But sige, now I will admit that when I was still pregnant, I was so afraid of buying so much for the baby for the fear of "jinx." I remember that when my friend Mels was pregnant with her second child, she told me that she didn't want to post so much on Facebook about her pregnancy because something might happen to the baby. I felt the same way. Ayokong magpaka-OA agad when it comes to Chicklet. I was so praning talaga that time.

I kept on telling myself that had I been in the Philippines during my pregnancy, I would have enjoyed it so much. I can buy everything I want, have my pictures taken every day, experience a baby shower, have somebody else to take Nathan's pictures and videos after I gave birth, etc. My mistake is not contextualizing my pregnancy here in Edmonton. I should have planned and acted based on our current situation.

Hay, regrets regrets. But I guess I've learned my lessons now. My son is already 2 1/2 months old and I realized that I couldn't bring back time. Sadly, I can no longer take a good picture of his one-month self. I realized that I am dealing with a human being now, hindi ko puwedeng i-delay ang mga puwede kong gawin. I need to plan ahead. And I have to enjoy my every moment with him kasi hindi siya bata forever. I am lucky because I am given the chance to be with him 24/7. I should be grateful.

Kung ako ang masusunod, si Nathan na siguro ang only baby ko. But if we'll be gifted with another bundle of joy, alam ko na ang gagawin ko.

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Nathan Anak, I am so sorry for all my shortcomings. I know that I am not that bad in terms of mothering you but I feel that I could do more, could have done more. I am not sure what will you like or be like in the future that is why I want to do everything for you now, para akong regrets kung sakali. Promise, mommy will make it up to you.