A bitter confession of a mom

I have a confession to make. I am a stay-at-home mom but I am not a good one.

First, let me lay down a context. I am turning 38 next month. In all the years before I had my son, I've never taken care of a child. I am the youngest in the brood of two. I didn't grow up with my younger cousins. Puro adults ang nakasalamuha ko sa buhay ko.

I am also not fond of kids (hanggang ngayon, admittedly). Sure, there are kids that I like/d, pero hanggang ganun lang yun. I thought motherhood would change me, hindi pala. Nagka-soft spot naman ako kahit papano sa mga bata, pero hindi ko pa rin masasabi na "mahilig na ako sa bata." Wala nga raw akong pasensya sabi ni tita ko.

I love Nathan, that is why I am enduring this kind of life (i.e. being a stay-at-home mom) because of him. Honestly, if I have a choice, I would like to continue working. In my more than three years of living here in Canada, I realized na hindi ako talaga domesticated. At this point, iniisip ko na lang na hindi naman permanente ang sitwasyon ko. When my son is older, I can work again.

But as of the moment, I feel that I am a failure as a stay-at-home mom kasi hindi ko natuturuan talaga nang maayos ang anak ko. Sure, I feed him, change his nappies, buy him toys, play with him (a bit)... but that's it. Kulang ako sa effort na turuan siyang humawak ng pencil, mag-color, magmemorize ng alphabet and numbers, etc. And to think naging teacher pa ako dati ha (sa college nga lang).

My son is a very smart boy (I can really say that objectively). Early on, I noticed that he was very self -sufficient. He learned colors, letters, and numbers by himself. Sa kakapanood ng youtube lang. Ang dali nyang pumick-up, ang galing nyang mag-recognize at mag-memorize. Kaya yumabang ako. Naisip ko na kaya niya na yun. Konting chika chika lang with him, ayos na.

Lagi ko rin kasing naiisip that both his dad and I were good in school. So kanino pa ba siya magmamana? I don't remember being pushed hard to study. Sariling sikap lang din ako noon. I see myself in Nathan so confident ako that he'll be ok. Naniniwala rin kasi kami ng asawa ko na "kung matalino ang bata, matalino talaga kahit anong mangyari."

But the other day, when Nathan and I were 'practicing' some letters (mahilig siyang magtuturo ng letters kapag nakakakita siya), I noticed na marami-rami siyang na-miss. I was disappointed, not to him but to myself. Bakit ganun? Halos memorized na niya ang alphabet dati pa, nasa Pinas pa kami. How come hindi na niya alam ngayon yung iba? Kahit sa colors, palagi niyang naiinterchange ang black and brown samantalang alam na alam na niya yun matagal na.

I knew my mother would scold me for this. Siya kasi ang very patient noon na makipaglaro at makipagturuan kay Nathan. Oh, what have I done (or haven't done)?

Since we came back here in Canada (from our 5 1/2 months stay in the Philippines), I dwell on my misery so much that I forgot to 'really' take care of my little boy. The boy who loves and adores me and whose world revolves around me. Ang selfish ko. Puro sarili kong frustrations ang iniisip ko, napabayaan ko talaga ang anak ko. Ang tamad tamad kong makipaglaro sa kanya, siguro kasi nga we are together 24/7. I took him for granted.

My son is already 2 years and 8 months. Ang bilis niyang lumaki. Gusto kong bumawi. From now on, I will make his childhood extra special. I will become a fun mom. Sasamantalahin ko ang time na ito na magkasama kami all the time.

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I had a bad dream yesterday. My mother died in my dream. I knew that I shouldn't take dreams literally so I googled for an interpretation.

I found this:

"To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies."

This is probably true. My mother is very caring and nurturing. Ang layo ko sa pagiging nanay niya. Wake up call na nga ito siguro para magbago ako. Grade 6 lang ang natapos ng nanay ko, so I grew up resenting the fact that she couldn't teach me (or talk to me in) English or Algebra. Pero nang makita ko kung paano niya turuan ng ABC ang anak ko, alam kong ganun din ang ginawa niya sa akin noong bata pa ako. Kaya pala ang ganda ng foundation ko. Kaya pala magaling ako sa school. I am so ashamed of myself. Cum Laude graduate pa naman ako sa UP. 

Nay, sorry po. I will become a better mother to your grandson. Pangako po. 

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We've been buying a lot of toys for Nathan lately, pero kulang na kulang siya sa educational materials. Kaya inaya ko kaagad si husband sa mall after his work para masimulan ko na ang project ko. My plan is to allot one-hour a day for Nathan to "study." 

Here's what I bought at Dollarama and Walmart:

Dollarama

Crayons = 1.50
Oblong container = 1.25
Paw Patrol Play Pack = 1.50
Flash Cards = 1.50
Sketch Pad = 1.50
Coloring Book = 1.50
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TOTAL = 8.75 + 12% tax = 9.80


Walmart

Pencils = 0.97
Markers = 1.70 (discounted)
Coloring book = 2.97
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TOTAL = 5.64 + 12% tax = 6.32


Whew, I spent a grand total of CAD16.12 for all of these. Kailangang masulit.

Excited for Nathan's Mickey Mouse Party

Ford and I have decided to throw a party for Nathan this coming June 13 (his 7th month "birthday") for our Edmonton friends because we (Nathan and I) are going 'home' in Pinas this coming July and will be back only after his first birthday in November.

Noong una, sina Mylene and Cecil and Joy (and their kiddos) lang naman sana ang invited pero naisip naming imbitahan na rin ang ilan pang kaibigan at kakilala namin dito. Sayang naman kasi ang preparation kung ilang tao lang.

Anyway, I am super excited. This is the very first kiddie party that I'll be organizing. Small party at home lang naman but still, I want to make it a little more special for our little boy. I have sort of planned everything na (from the menu to the decors and trimmings) in my mind, execution na lang hehe.

Yesterday, while we were at Dollar Tree, I've chosen Mickey Mouse as the theme na lang. Since we are strictly on a budget (magastos umuwi sa Pilipinas so kailangang magtipid), naisip ko na mas economical kung Mickey Mouse na lang kasi nga it's practically everywhere - mura at madaling hanapin. Eto nga at nakabili na ako ng ilang items (for just $1.25 + 5% tax each).

Plus Mickey Mouse is so adorable! Bagay na pang-baby kasi uncomplicated. When Nathan is a bit older, I am sure he would prefer different cartoon characters na. So baka ito na lang ang chance ko na magka-Mickey Mouse theme haha!

Ooops, this cap ang nagpa-final ng decision ko. It was given to Nathan yesterday by his Ninang June and it looked so cute on him!

I will try to tabulate all the expenses for this upcoming party. We'll be allocating a budget of $300 for this, sana magkasya. #goodluck

Nathan @ 4 Months

Hello, hello... I am now four months old! -Nathan

I guess I will keep and keep on saying this -- TIME FLIES! My Nathan doesn't look like a baby anymore!

March 13, 2015 (Friday). It's another happy Friday the 13th for us because we got to celebrate our son's another month.

For our simple handa, Ford bought Palabok (our favorite) from Manila Grill Express. I cooked fried chicken and we baked pizza na rin.



I wasn't that happy with how the cake turned out. I should have put the toppers in the middle. Or I could have written Nathan's name (I just didn't know how). Di bale, I'll make it up next month.

Ford always has good shots with Cheeky Boy. Pag ako na, laging palpak. He couldn't make Nathan look at him eh. Di rin niya masyadong mapatawa hmmmp!

My heart melts whenever I see my son getting bigger. Imagine, napapadede at napapalitan ko siya ng diaper! I am not completely useless after all haha!

Again, I am wishing somebody could take a decent family picture for us.

I love this picture. It's obvious who is the boss now lol!

Something really interesting came up after dinner. Ford put Nathan on his play gym and as usual, tumatagilid siya. I noticed that he's started doing that in our bed a few days before (March 10 to be exact).

But to our surprise, he finally was able to roll over! Exactly on his fourth month! I really thought it would take a while before he can do that.

Ford and I were so happy for this another milestone. Too bad that it happened so fast, hindi ko na-record sa video.

Hay Cheeky Boy, you never fail to make me and your daddy very happy! We are so proud of you.

Admittedly, you made me so worried the past weeks because I noticed that you were so tamad na dumede. In consequence, feeling ko hindi ka masyadong bumigat. But the nurse at the health center assured us that it's normal because you were starting to get curious about your environment kaya nawawala ang attention mo sa feeding.

Speaking of curious, yep... you are indeed very curious and smart! Parang big boy ka na talaga, "nakakausap" ka na namin at nakakalaro. You have a very charming smile, kaya nga ang dami mong fans sa Facebook at Instagram eh!

We love dressing you up, would you believe? Kasi ang dali mong bihisan. Lahat bagay sa iyo kasi Tisoy ka (unlike Dad!) hahaha!

We love you so much, anak. Please continue being a happy baby! Happy 4th month!

Nathan @ 2 Months

Thirteen is my new favorite number. And I am so excited to welcome the 13th day of every month because that means another 'birthday' celebration for Nathan!

January 13, 2015. As usual, it was just another party for three. But I told Mylene and Cecil that we'll invite them some time in summer for Nathan's monthly birthday. We just couldn't do that now because it's winter and our house is a big mess. I am also still recovering (yeah, I am taking it soooo slow) and I can't host a party yet.

My two-month old looks so big na on this picture noh? I myself was shocked! It's only been two months but he doesn't look that baby anymore! In fact, he already wore the Baby Mickey shirt which we thought he would wear this summer pa or when we go home in Pinas. It was his first time to wear a t-shirt and he looked so cute!

Anyway, what excites me the most about this day was the cake of course! I think I did pretty well on his first month cake so I have to live with the expectations haha!

But since Ford and I aren't really into eating cakes (in fact, ni hindi nga namin natikman yung first cake), I thought of buying just a slice. Sa Safeway kami nakabili for only $3.

I wasn't able to find a nice cake topper so I just asked Ford to have Nathan's picture printed in their office. I posted it on a card board para matigas saka ko itinusok sa cake. The result is this:

Simple yet 'personalized.' I want my son to know later on that in my own little ways, I tried to make things special for him.

This is the close-up look pala of the picture on the cake. My son's so adorable! #biasedmom

Since Nathan's second month fell on a Tuesday (and we just had buffet dinner the day before for our 3rd wedding anniversary), I just asked Ford to buy pancit palabok and crispy pata at Manila Grill Express. Nagustuhan kasi namin yun the last time we went there. The pork giniling was cooked by yours truly.

Almost all of our plates are Corelle and I've grown tired of them. I wanted something colorful plating for my baby's handa but expensive dinner wares are not on the budget yet. Thankfully, I found some cheap stoneware plates and bowls and glasses at Dollar Tree! Ayan, pati sa table setting ay excited na rin ako!

More than the superficiality of celebrating a monthly birthday, Ford and I are really grateful that our son is growing well. Health wise, we never had any major 'concern' for him. He seems happy and healthy.

I noticed that he started smiling a lot and 'interacting' with us when he was just five weeks old (December 23 to be exact, thanks to my hobby of taking pictures and documenting Nathan's every move!). We were impressed. Physically, he's quite a big boy with nice flawless skin, chubby body, and adorable little face. A lot of people were telling us that he doesn't look like two months only. He can even hold his head steady na. We are very very proud of him!

Thank you for being such a good boy, anak! Keep it up! We are so looking forward to your 3rd month birthday! We love you!

Our 2014 Christmas Tree

I know we're already half way of January but I still have a lot of holiday posts so please bear with me.

For now, let me show you our 2014 Christmas tree...

Because of my post-CS condition, I was only able to decorate it on December 12. "Too late" in Filipino standards, I know. I have to admit that because I was in pain, I was tempted to let go of the holiday trimmings last year (haha sounds so long ago but it was only last month!). But it was my son's first Christmas so I felt that I owe him a tree.

Our tree looked so 'feminine,' do you agree? It's because I bought the decors last December 26, 2013 pa, during boxing day. I wasn't pregnant yet that time so I visualized a sophisticated tree haha!

Most of the tree ornaments were from Michaels and Walmart. It was difficult finding the "right" tree topper so I settled muna with a star from Dollarama. The blue balls were also from that dollar store.

In addition, I put up two special palawit:

This one is for our dear Chicklet...



And this to commemorate our first Christmas here in Casa Blanco (I also bought this last 2013).

Here's the day and night time look...

I honestly loved our tree. It was my first time to have a non-traditional tree (i.e. red-and-gold theme) and I was so happy it still turned out beautiful.

But would you believe that our artificial tree only costs $11+ (or less than Php500). We chanced upon it at XS Cargo's closing sale. It was the last stock left and its box was ripped. We weren't sure if the whole set is complete but we took the risk and bought it. Sabi nga ng asawa ko: "Haler, it's only $11! Kung kulang man, hindi na masakit sa dibdib." 

I am planning for a kiddie-themed Christmas tree this year. Para bagay naman kay Chicklet. But I might use a different tree, a smaller one that we can place by the table para hindi maabot ni Nathan. Our son will already be one year old come December 2015 so for sure he's into walking and grabbing things mode na.  Haha, sana lang may budget! =)

Nathan's 1st Month Celebration

Sobrang excited akong dumating ang December 13 kasi that would be Chicklet's first month birthday. I've seen a lot of parents (on Facebook) posting their children's monthly birthday celebrations so talagang dapat ganun din kami haha!

I am still in so much pain but I forced myself to go out yesterday so we could do something special for Nathan. Saka gusto ko na rin talagang lumabas dahil bored na bored na ako sa bahay.

We went to Walmart and that's where I found a cheap 6" chocolate caramel cake. Ford and I are not into cakes so we are thankful na $5 lang siya kasi hindi talaga namin makakain.

Since the cake was too plain, I had to be a little creative. I have letter cut-outs (na matagal ko ng nabili sa Dollarama) kaya ayan may name na ang cake. I wanted to have a topper so I asked Ford to drop me off at Dollarama so I can look for one.

Taraaaan, this is Nathan's very first cake! Cute naman, di ba? Many people thought that the letters are edible haha!

For the handa, we just bought fried chicken at Mary Brown's and two varieties of pancit from Pinoy Grill. Dalawa lang naman kami ni Ford na kakain so kaunti lang talaga.

Of course we had to do some photo shoot before eating. Nathan looks so big na on this picture noh? Ahh, time flies so fast!

Hay, I am so lugi! You can't expect Ford to take good pictures!

My husband and son look so much alike!

Too bad hindi matitikman ni Nathan ang handa niya. Hindi bale, nabusog naman sina Mommy at Daddy.

Happy first month, Nathan James Levin! The past month has been extra difficult for us, we admit. We had to do a lot of adjustments as we welcome you into our lives. But those hardships are nothing compared to the joy that you bring on us every single day.

We love you so much, anak! You are our inspiration, our more profound reason for living. We pray for your continuous normal growth and good health.

Our Halloween 2014

Not an exciting Halloween, I am telling you now lol!

As I have mentioned in this post, Halloween excites me. But that excitement was cut short because I am pregnant and due to give birth this November. Hence, I don't have the energy and the funds to go all the way this year.

But not to let the spirit of Halloween down, I put up a tiny spot by our console table to 'celebrate' this event.

I realized though that I only had kawaii decors and not the freaky ones haha!

And mind you, they are cheap!

• Dancing/Singing Mummy -- bought at Hallmark WEM at 50% off ($8 + 5% tax)
• Hello Kitty -- bought at Papyrus City Centre last year at 75% off ($2.60)
• Purple Bear -- bought at Dollarama for $3
• Green Witch -- bought at Dollar tree for $1.25
• Ceramic Pumpkin Key Holder -- bought at Michaels

Now that Halloween is over, I am hoping to score more discounted Halloween items in stores. Wish me luck.

Oops, I remembering buying so many Halloween paper plates, napkins, table mats, etc. but i wasn't able to use them. Di bale, next year na lang.


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Rain started to pour in the afternoon of Halloween so I was disheartened. Tsk, lalong walang pupuntang bata para magtrick-or-treat, I told myself. The location of our house is not strategic enough for trick-or-treaters, lalo na siyempre kapag umuulan at malamig.

Still, we turned our porch lights on with the hope na may maligaw na bata.

We had an early dinner and at 6:36pm, I was already willing to go up to our bedroom to rest when suddenly we heard some kids' voices.

POD -- O ayan, may mga darating na.

Then the doorbell rang.

I was so happy! I asked the husband to give treats to the kids while I excitedly unpacked the other candies that we bought.

I put the candies in a bin (bought at Dollar Tree) and placed it near our front door for the next batch of kids. I did not unbox the Mini Chips Ahoy! yet, later na lang kako kapag nagkaubusan na.

Now what to do with these?

Kaso wala ng sumunod na nagpunta kaloka!

POD -- Buti nga di ka na-zero noh.

Kaloka, I was exchanging FB messages with my friends Cecil and Joy at marami na silang napamigay. Nainggit ako! Haha, it was so pathetic of me to "beg" for the visit trick-or-treaters. Pero ang sarap kasing makakita ng kids in costume at masarap din magbigay.

In my disappointment, napakain tuloy ako ng isang mini KitKat Bar. Cheat day, tutal Halloween naman.

My original back-up plan kung wala talagang pupunta sa area namin was to stroll around our community na lang and observe the kids. But since it was a cold and wet night, hindi na rin natuloy.

I wanted to go West Edmonton Mall din sana for the "largest indoor trick or treat festival" but my in-laws are here at nakakahiya namang iwanan. Saka di pa nga ako sure kung may pupunta bang kids sa bahay namin o wala.

Oh well, at least now I know. I don't think I'd be preparing candies pa for treats next year. I'd just dress my son up at kami na lang ang magtitrick-or-treat. We'd probably join some of our kids' friends para masaya.

Treats for Trick-or-Treat

I honestly don't think that trick-or-treaters will visit us this Friday. You see, our town house is located at the very entrance of our community (imagine a subdivision) facing the main road so I doubt it if children will be allowed to come here. The real trick-or-treat action will be held at the heart (middle) of the community, of course.

But my husband insisted that we still buy treats just in case.

We didn't buy much because we'd be stuck with lots of candies if no kid comes around. We just got two packs of sweets from Dollarama ($3 each haha!) and two boxes from Walmart. Walmart is definitely the place to buy candies from!

This is my first ever experience of Halloween here in Canada and I have no idea how many candies to give per child. I am definitely clueless. After this year, I'd probably learn lol! My husband (who's lived in North America since 2001) reminded me that candies have to be individually wrapped and that we should turn our lights on to 'invite' trick-or-treaters.

Everyone's praying for a good weather this Friday so that children can enjoy their costumes outdoors. I am excited to see them (but yeah, still very much skeptic that no one will come knocking at our door haha!).

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NOTE: My cervix is still closed as of yesterday so I definitely won't be giving birth yet this Halloween! Yebaaah! 

Dollarama Finds: Romance Novels

Who would have thought I'll find these romance pocket books in Dollarama? I knew they carry books (children's books, cook books, coffee table books, and other random reading stuff), I just never expected seeing these novels haha!

I need light reads for now. I prefer REAL books than e-books.

They only cost $2 each!

Books are very expensive here in Canada. Thank God there's Dollarama! From now on I'll frequent the stationery aisle na for more cheap books! =)

Dollarama Pregnancy Test

Two of my friends here in Canada have recently announced their pregnancies using these pictures.

Photos taken from my friends' FB and IG accounts

My First Reaction: "Whoaaah! Ang mahal ng pregnancy kit na ginamit nila ha!"

Ako kasi Dollarama lang haha!

When my period hasn't come two weeks past its due (and I was feeling so much pain on my hips and lower back), I went to London Drugs to buy a pregnancy kit. I wasn't that hopeful about being pregnant, I just wanted to make sure that I am not before I go to the doctor.

The prices of pregnancy kits disappointed me. A Clearblue test costs around $20 and I couldn't force myself to buy it. No way! In the Philippines, one can buy a kit for less than Php100  - and there are many choices.

I knew that Dollarama sells pregnancy test so I asked my husband to buy two for me. I've read pretty much good reviews about it and I told myself, "haler, you can never go wrong with $1.25 noh!"

Yep, this pregnancy test only costs $1.25 (plus 5% tax syempre).

Kamukha lang naman ang kit na ito nung mga binebenta sa Pinas, iba lang ang packaging. I honestly never doubted its accuracy.

I used one (bottom) and in less than a minute, two lines appeared. My heart palpitated, I knew it! I used the other one to be sure and again, two lines have appeared.

I showed the two tests to Ford and he wasn't convinced. He told me the two T lines were not as clear as the C lines. Malabo raw.

I reasoned na ganun talaga. Malinaw talaga ang C line kasi constant yun, talagang maga-appear positive man o negative. What's important is that the T lines were clear and distinct enough.

Ford bought two more Dollarama test kits that day and both gave the same results. Positive talaga.

And so for $5.25 (tax included), we've known that I am pregnant. Four tests na yun ha.

So I advise those who are anticipating to get pregnant to try this cheap test kit first. Buy at least two if you wanna be sure. =)