A bitter confession of a mom

I have a confession to make. I am a stay-at-home mom but I am not a good one.

First, let me lay down a context. I am turning 38 next month. In all the years before I had my son, I've never taken care of a child. I am the youngest in the brood of two. I didn't grow up with my younger cousins. Puro adults ang nakasalamuha ko sa buhay ko.

I am also not fond of kids (hanggang ngayon, admittedly). Sure, there are kids that I like/d, pero hanggang ganun lang yun. I thought motherhood would change me, hindi pala. Nagka-soft spot naman ako kahit papano sa mga bata, pero hindi ko pa rin masasabi na "mahilig na ako sa bata." Wala nga raw akong pasensya sabi ni tita ko.

I love Nathan, that is why I am enduring this kind of life (i.e. being a stay-at-home mom) because of him. Honestly, if I have a choice, I would like to continue working. In my more than three years of living here in Canada, I realized na hindi ako talaga domesticated. At this point, iniisip ko na lang na hindi naman permanente ang sitwasyon ko. When my son is older, I can work again.

But as of the moment, I feel that I am a failure as a stay-at-home mom kasi hindi ko natuturuan talaga nang maayos ang anak ko. Sure, I feed him, change his nappies, buy him toys, play with him (a bit)... but that's it. Kulang ako sa effort na turuan siyang humawak ng pencil, mag-color, magmemorize ng alphabet and numbers, etc. And to think naging teacher pa ako dati ha (sa college nga lang).

My son is a very smart boy (I can really say that objectively). Early on, I noticed that he was very self -sufficient. He learned colors, letters, and numbers by himself. Sa kakapanood ng youtube lang. Ang dali nyang pumick-up, ang galing nyang mag-recognize at mag-memorize. Kaya yumabang ako. Naisip ko na kaya niya na yun. Konting chika chika lang with him, ayos na.

Lagi ko rin kasing naiisip that both his dad and I were good in school. So kanino pa ba siya magmamana? I don't remember being pushed hard to study. Sariling sikap lang din ako noon. I see myself in Nathan so confident ako that he'll be ok. Naniniwala rin kasi kami ng asawa ko na "kung matalino ang bata, matalino talaga kahit anong mangyari."

But the other day, when Nathan and I were 'practicing' some letters (mahilig siyang magtuturo ng letters kapag nakakakita siya), I noticed na marami-rami siyang na-miss. I was disappointed, not to him but to myself. Bakit ganun? Halos memorized na niya ang alphabet dati pa, nasa Pinas pa kami. How come hindi na niya alam ngayon yung iba? Kahit sa colors, palagi niyang naiinterchange ang black and brown samantalang alam na alam na niya yun matagal na.

I knew my mother would scold me for this. Siya kasi ang very patient noon na makipaglaro at makipagturuan kay Nathan. Oh, what have I done (or haven't done)?

Since we came back here in Canada (from our 5 1/2 months stay in the Philippines), I dwell on my misery so much that I forgot to 'really' take care of my little boy. The boy who loves and adores me and whose world revolves around me. Ang selfish ko. Puro sarili kong frustrations ang iniisip ko, napabayaan ko talaga ang anak ko. Ang tamad tamad kong makipaglaro sa kanya, siguro kasi nga we are together 24/7. I took him for granted.

My son is already 2 years and 8 months. Ang bilis niyang lumaki. Gusto kong bumawi. From now on, I will make his childhood extra special. I will become a fun mom. Sasamantalahin ko ang time na ito na magkasama kami all the time.

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I had a bad dream yesterday. My mother died in my dream. I knew that I shouldn't take dreams literally so I googled for an interpretation.

I found this:

"To dream about the death of a loved one suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies."

This is probably true. My mother is very caring and nurturing. Ang layo ko sa pagiging nanay niya. Wake up call na nga ito siguro para magbago ako. Grade 6 lang ang natapos ng nanay ko, so I grew up resenting the fact that she couldn't teach me (or talk to me in) English or Algebra. Pero nang makita ko kung paano niya turuan ng ABC ang anak ko, alam kong ganun din ang ginawa niya sa akin noong bata pa ako. Kaya pala ang ganda ng foundation ko. Kaya pala magaling ako sa school. I am so ashamed of myself. Cum Laude graduate pa naman ako sa UP. 

Nay, sorry po. I will become a better mother to your grandson. Pangako po. 

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We've been buying a lot of toys for Nathan lately, pero kulang na kulang siya sa educational materials. Kaya inaya ko kaagad si husband sa mall after his work para masimulan ko na ang project ko. My plan is to allot one-hour a day for Nathan to "study." 

Here's what I bought at Dollarama and Walmart:

Dollarama

Crayons = 1.50
Oblong container = 1.25
Paw Patrol Play Pack = 1.50
Flash Cards = 1.50
Sketch Pad = 1.50
Coloring Book = 1.50
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TOTAL = 8.75 + 12% tax = 9.80


Walmart

Pencils = 0.97
Markers = 1.70 (discounted)
Coloring book = 2.97
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TOTAL = 5.64 + 12% tax = 6.32


Whew, I spent a grand total of CAD16.12 for all of these. Kailangang masulit.

Nathan's 1st Month Celebration

Sobrang excited akong dumating ang December 13 kasi that would be Chicklet's first month birthday. I've seen a lot of parents (on Facebook) posting their children's monthly birthday celebrations so talagang dapat ganun din kami haha!

I am still in so much pain but I forced myself to go out yesterday so we could do something special for Nathan. Saka gusto ko na rin talagang lumabas dahil bored na bored na ako sa bahay.

We went to Walmart and that's where I found a cheap 6" chocolate caramel cake. Ford and I are not into cakes so we are thankful na $5 lang siya kasi hindi talaga namin makakain.

Since the cake was too plain, I had to be a little creative. I have letter cut-outs (na matagal ko ng nabili sa Dollarama) kaya ayan may name na ang cake. I wanted to have a topper so I asked Ford to drop me off at Dollarama so I can look for one.

Taraaaan, this is Nathan's very first cake! Cute naman, di ba? Many people thought that the letters are edible haha!

For the handa, we just bought fried chicken at Mary Brown's and two varieties of pancit from Pinoy Grill. Dalawa lang naman kami ni Ford na kakain so kaunti lang talaga.

Of course we had to do some photo shoot before eating. Nathan looks so big na on this picture noh? Ahh, time flies so fast!

Hay, I am so lugi! You can't expect Ford to take good pictures!

My husband and son look so much alike!

Too bad hindi matitikman ni Nathan ang handa niya. Hindi bale, nabusog naman sina Mommy at Daddy.

Happy first month, Nathan James Levin! The past month has been extra difficult for us, we admit. We had to do a lot of adjustments as we welcome you into our lives. But those hardships are nothing compared to the joy that you bring on us every single day.

We love you so much, anak! You are our inspiration, our more profound reason for living. We pray for your continuous normal growth and good health.

Our Halloween 2014

Not an exciting Halloween, I am telling you now lol!

As I have mentioned in this post, Halloween excites me. But that excitement was cut short because I am pregnant and due to give birth this November. Hence, I don't have the energy and the funds to go all the way this year.

But not to let the spirit of Halloween down, I put up a tiny spot by our console table to 'celebrate' this event.

I realized though that I only had kawaii decors and not the freaky ones haha!

And mind you, they are cheap!

• Dancing/Singing Mummy -- bought at Hallmark WEM at 50% off ($8 + 5% tax)
• Hello Kitty -- bought at Papyrus City Centre last year at 75% off ($2.60)
• Purple Bear -- bought at Dollarama for $3
• Green Witch -- bought at Dollar tree for $1.25
• Ceramic Pumpkin Key Holder -- bought at Michaels

Now that Halloween is over, I am hoping to score more discounted Halloween items in stores. Wish me luck.

Oops, I remembering buying so many Halloween paper plates, napkins, table mats, etc. but i wasn't able to use them. Di bale, next year na lang.


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Rain started to pour in the afternoon of Halloween so I was disheartened. Tsk, lalong walang pupuntang bata para magtrick-or-treat, I told myself. The location of our house is not strategic enough for trick-or-treaters, lalo na siyempre kapag umuulan at malamig.

Still, we turned our porch lights on with the hope na may maligaw na bata.

We had an early dinner and at 6:36pm, I was already willing to go up to our bedroom to rest when suddenly we heard some kids' voices.

POD -- O ayan, may mga darating na.

Then the doorbell rang.

I was so happy! I asked the husband to give treats to the kids while I excitedly unpacked the other candies that we bought.

I put the candies in a bin (bought at Dollar Tree) and placed it near our front door for the next batch of kids. I did not unbox the Mini Chips Ahoy! yet, later na lang kako kapag nagkaubusan na.

Now what to do with these?

Kaso wala ng sumunod na nagpunta kaloka!

POD -- Buti nga di ka na-zero noh.

Kaloka, I was exchanging FB messages with my friends Cecil and Joy at marami na silang napamigay. Nainggit ako! Haha, it was so pathetic of me to "beg" for the visit trick-or-treaters. Pero ang sarap kasing makakita ng kids in costume at masarap din magbigay.

In my disappointment, napakain tuloy ako ng isang mini KitKat Bar. Cheat day, tutal Halloween naman.

My original back-up plan kung wala talagang pupunta sa area namin was to stroll around our community na lang and observe the kids. But since it was a cold and wet night, hindi na rin natuloy.

I wanted to go West Edmonton Mall din sana for the "largest indoor trick or treat festival" but my in-laws are here at nakakahiya namang iwanan. Saka di pa nga ako sure kung may pupunta bang kids sa bahay namin o wala.

Oh well, at least now I know. I don't think I'd be preparing candies pa for treats next year. I'd just dress my son up at kami na lang ang magtitrick-or-treat. We'd probably join some of our kids' friends para masaya.

Treats for Trick-or-Treat

I honestly don't think that trick-or-treaters will visit us this Friday. You see, our town house is located at the very entrance of our community (imagine a subdivision) facing the main road so I doubt it if children will be allowed to come here. The real trick-or-treat action will be held at the heart (middle) of the community, of course.

But my husband insisted that we still buy treats just in case.

We didn't buy much because we'd be stuck with lots of candies if no kid comes around. We just got two packs of sweets from Dollarama ($3 each haha!) and two boxes from Walmart. Walmart is definitely the place to buy candies from!

This is my first ever experience of Halloween here in Canada and I have no idea how many candies to give per child. I am definitely clueless. After this year, I'd probably learn lol! My husband (who's lived in North America since 2001) reminded me that candies have to be individually wrapped and that we should turn our lights on to 'invite' trick-or-treaters.

Everyone's praying for a good weather this Friday so that children can enjoy their costumes outdoors. I am excited to see them (but yeah, still very much skeptic that no one will come knocking at our door haha!).

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NOTE: My cervix is still closed as of yesterday so I definitely won't be giving birth yet this Halloween! Yebaaah! 

Dollarama Finds: Romance Novels

Who would have thought I'll find these romance pocket books in Dollarama? I knew they carry books (children's books, cook books, coffee table books, and other random reading stuff), I just never expected seeing these novels haha!

I need light reads for now. I prefer REAL books than e-books.

They only cost $2 each!

Books are very expensive here in Canada. Thank God there's Dollarama! From now on I'll frequent the stationery aisle na for more cheap books! =)