I am strong, after all.

It's been exactly two months now since my parents-in-law went back to California. They came here in October to help us with my giving birth. They were scheduled to leave on December 2 but we thought they could extend should we still need their assistance. Unfortunately, they had to go back to the States on the said schedule because they have to fix their insurance and do some jury duty.

Honestly, I was disappointed. I delivered via c-section and we badly needed them. Ford went back to work on December 1 and I was so afraid to be left alone with the baby. I was still in so much pain then. I wanted to rest, to sleep. But we had no choice. They were not my parents in the first place. I cannot impose. We had no other people to help us out and I felt so helpless.

At eighteen days postpartum, I was already taking care of Nathan on my own. It wasn't easy. Why, I only started changing his nappy and feeding him on December 1 (Ford's first day back at work)! Prior to that, it was my husband who did everything for the baby.

The first few days were hell. I slept for an average of two hours on each day and I was almost screaming from pain in my incision. I have very low tolerance for pain, I am telling you. I am a coward whenever I feel aches on my body.

Aside from that, Nathan and I got stuck on our room upstairs for weeks. I was 'forbidden' to go up and down the stairs because of my ceasarian operation so I had no choice (we have no room nor bathroom in the main floor). Everything we needed - food, water, milk, etc. - were being brought to us by Ford. There were days when I had to content myself with instant noodles for lunch because that's the only hot food I could have when my husband was at work. I lost a lot of weight as a result.

On my third "night" of taking care of Nathan, I couldn't stop him from crying. I was so tired and I ended up weeping myself. Ford, who was sleeping on the other room so he could rest well, came in and saw me and the baby crying. I hysterically told him: "Hindi ko na kaya. Hindi ko na kaya!" But of course, after he pacified the baby, I resumed on my mommy duties.

When Ford went home after work the following day, he informed me that he asked their HR if he could just go to work for half a day in the next two weeks. He reasoned that I am having a 'breakdown.' People here are so used to postpartum depression so his request was easily granted. But since he already consumed all his vacation leave, his under time would result to salary deduction.

I felt bad. The reason why Ford didn't avail of the 3-month paternity leave is because the amount that he will get from EI (or Employment Insurance) won't be sufficient to pay our mortgages and bills. A salary deduction is a big deal, given that we have so many added expenses for the baby.

But Ford's half-day-only work helped a lot in my adjustment. I was able to rest for longer hours and eat better. And though I was still in pain, I told Ford he could go back to working full hours na kahit may one week pa. Nanghinayang talaga ko sa deduction.

Two months! Two months have passed and I survived! I would like to believe that I've already experienced the worst so everything else that follows is easier. The taking-care-of-the-baby-while-in-pain is over. Nathan is almost 12 weeks now and he's sleeping longer. We've bonded so much and I already know him - his moods, his habits. It is still difficult, of course, but I am feeling a lot better now.

Face of a tired but happy mom.

Looking back, I never thought that I will make it. Even my mother was skeptic. She knows me very well so she was so worried. If only she could send a baby sitter from Pinas, she kept on saying. But I am a mother now. A mother can do everything for her child. A mother has this unexplainable strength when it comes to taking care of her offspring. I never believed it until now.

But I would not have made it without my husband. To be honest, he's still doing more of the house and baby chores than me. I am also thankful to my little boy because even though he keeps on feeding often (every 1 1/2 - 2 hours), he didn't give me any problem. He's never been sick so far and he's such a happy baby - always smiling and laughing.

Two months. Just two months. I still have a lifetime of mommy duties. But if this smile is what I'll see every day, I'll be fine. I am strong, after all!

I love you, my Cheeky Boy! Mommy ang bahala sayo! =)