Fresh from the mail box!

We got two nice surprises from our mail box this week!

The first one is a package from Ford's cousin Marjorie who lives in California. She sent us a belated Merry Christmas card and a Ralph Lauren onesie for Nathan. Hurray!

I love receiving thoughtful gifts! Thank you so much, Marjo! Our little boy will be wearing your gift soon!

The other is a "no-occasion" card from my girl friend (barkada) Michelle. Haha, she wasn't able to send me the Christmas card that I "demanded" from her last September kaya alam ko pambawi ito! I am surprised though because it arrived fast. She only mailed it last January 26 (Philippine time). Well I guess post offices are not busy nowadays!

Thanks a lot, Mitch!

It's a happy week for our mail box! Sana may magpadala uli soon! Hahaha! =)

Winter at Unit #99

It's winter time and this is how our humble town house looks like now...

February 1, 2015

It's been a year since we moved in here and we are grateful. This is home.

I am strong, after all.

It's been exactly two months now since my parents-in-law went back to California. They came here in October to help us with my giving birth. They were scheduled to leave on December 2 but we thought they could extend should we still need their assistance. Unfortunately, they had to go back to the States on the said schedule because they have to fix their insurance and do some jury duty.

Honestly, I was disappointed. I delivered via c-section and we badly needed them. Ford went back to work on December 1 and I was so afraid to be left alone with the baby. I was still in so much pain then. I wanted to rest, to sleep. But we had no choice. They were not my parents in the first place. I cannot impose. We had no other people to help us out and I felt so helpless.

At eighteen days postpartum, I was already taking care of Nathan on my own. It wasn't easy. Why, I only started changing his nappy and feeding him on December 1 (Ford's first day back at work)! Prior to that, it was my husband who did everything for the baby.

The first few days were hell. I slept for an average of two hours on each day and I was almost screaming from pain in my incision. I have very low tolerance for pain, I am telling you. I am a coward whenever I feel aches on my body.

Aside from that, Nathan and I got stuck on our room upstairs for weeks. I was 'forbidden' to go up and down the stairs because of my ceasarian operation so I had no choice (we have no room nor bathroom in the main floor). Everything we needed - food, water, milk, etc. - were being brought to us by Ford. There were days when I had to content myself with instant noodles for lunch because that's the only hot food I could have when my husband was at work. I lost a lot of weight as a result.

On my third "night" of taking care of Nathan, I couldn't stop him from crying. I was so tired and I ended up weeping myself. Ford, who was sleeping on the other room so he could rest well, came in and saw me and the baby crying. I hysterically told him: "Hindi ko na kaya. Hindi ko na kaya!" But of course, after he pacified the baby, I resumed on my mommy duties.

When Ford went home after work the following day, he informed me that he asked their HR if he could just go to work for half a day in the next two weeks. He reasoned that I am having a 'breakdown.' People here are so used to postpartum depression so his request was easily granted. But since he already consumed all his vacation leave, his under time would result to salary deduction.

I felt bad. The reason why Ford didn't avail of the 3-month paternity leave is because the amount that he will get from EI (or Employment Insurance) won't be sufficient to pay our mortgages and bills. A salary deduction is a big deal, given that we have so many added expenses for the baby.

But Ford's half-day-only work helped a lot in my adjustment. I was able to rest for longer hours and eat better. And though I was still in pain, I told Ford he could go back to working full hours na kahit may one week pa. Nanghinayang talaga ko sa deduction.

Two months! Two months have passed and I survived! I would like to believe that I've already experienced the worst so everything else that follows is easier. The taking-care-of-the-baby-while-in-pain is over. Nathan is almost 12 weeks now and he's sleeping longer. We've bonded so much and I already know him - his moods, his habits. It is still difficult, of course, but I am feeling a lot better now.

Face of a tired but happy mom.

Looking back, I never thought that I will make it. Even my mother was skeptic. She knows me very well so she was so worried. If only she could send a baby sitter from Pinas, she kept on saying. But I am a mother now. A mother can do everything for her child. A mother has this unexplainable strength when it comes to taking care of her offspring. I never believed it until now.

But I would not have made it without my husband. To be honest, he's still doing more of the house and baby chores than me. I am also thankful to my little boy because even though he keeps on feeding often (every 1 1/2 - 2 hours), he didn't give me any problem. He's never been sick so far and he's such a happy baby - always smiling and laughing.

Two months. Just two months. I still have a lifetime of mommy duties. But if this smile is what I'll see every day, I'll be fine. I am strong, after all!

I love you, my Cheeky Boy! Mommy ang bahala sayo! =)

Cuteness Overload

I had a first 4D glimpse of Chicklet on September 5, 2014. I admit that it made me depressed. Look at the picture, he looked so weird right?

I did some manic research again, seeking for an assurance that 4D ultrasound images are inaccurate and that my baby will look "better" in person. But my fear did not leave me, until I gave birth, I was afraid that my baby will be "ugly." An ugly ugly word, I know!

I tried to convince myself that I will love my child no matter what. I knew I will. Niloloko ko pa ang sarili ko na "patatalinuhin" ko na lang siya just in case hindi siya cute. But of course, deep inside I wanted him to be normal looking. Not good looking, just normal looking - with no major flaws and all. Hindi ko kasi kaya na tutuksuhin siya at ibu-bully later on.

But you know what, after I delivered him via C-section, the first thing I heard from the nurses was: "Oh, he's so cute!"

Really, my son is cute??? Or baka naman sinasabi lang nila yun sa lahat ng babies???

I personally find him adorable but Ford would always tease me na "nanay na nga ako," that my judgement is being clouded kasi nga anak ko ang pinag-uusapan.

But after a few days and constant affirmation, siguro nga cute talaga ang Nathan ko! I even asked my girls friends if they OBJECTIVELY find him cute. They wanted to 'spank' me for asking.

Anyway, here are Nathan's pictures for the last 11 weeks.

Newborn

Day 1

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

Week 9

Week 10

Week 11

Cute eh?! Pagbigyan nyo na ako please lang! =)

My son's face is not perfect but those imperfections make him look so adorable. I am super duper proud of him! Alam kong nag-iiba pa ang itsura ng mga bata and there's still a possibility that he will look 'less cute' later on. But I don't mind, I will love him all the more.

But for now, ieenjoy ko muna ang constant praises for him! #kiligmommymode

#Fallen44

Another sad news from the Philippines.

Picture taken from the internet (credits to the owner)

The whole Filipino nation is mourning right now for the 44 SAF police commandos who were killed in a clash with Moro rebels in Mamasapano, Maguindanao last January 25, 2015.

I couldn't imagine the pain that the families of these fallen heroes are going through. I used to work for the Armed Forces of the Philippines Educational Benefit System Office (AFP EBSO), an office that gives scholarships to children of soldiers who died in action, hence I've met a lot of widows and children who were struggling just to make ends meet because their breadwinners were taken away from them. Their stories were heart breaking. I hope The government gives to the families of these deceased policemen all the benefits that are due them.

Justice for Fallen 44.

Regrets

We were at Walmart (Windemere) last night and I wasn't able to resist this picture frame. I've always wanted a frame for Nathan where I can put his first 12 months pictures pero kahapon lang ako nakakita ng gusto ko. I got so excited!

Then it hit me... parang wala akong maayos na one month picture ni Nathan na magandang ilagay sa frame! Still, i bought it. Magka-crop na lang ako ng picture.

Then at the Baby Section, I saw a set of monthly birthday stickers similar to this:

Picture taken from the internet (credits to the owner)

I wanted to cry that very moment. Bakit noon lang ako nakakita ng ganun sa Walmart? Palagi kami sa Walmart when I was pregnant and we bought most of our baby things there, how come na-miss ko ang stickers na ganito?

I also remembered that the other night, I saw a picture on Instagram na parang ganito. A very good monthly pictorial idea for a baby. Nalungkot din ako kasi nga hindi ko na magagawa ito for Nathan. Late na.

Picture taken from the internet (credits to the owner)

I've only been a mother for 11 weeks and I am already filled with regrets. Feeling ko ang dami kong hindi nagawa for my baby at sa pregnancy ko.

• I had very few preggy pictures.
• We never had a good "family" picture when I was pregnant.
• I didn't have a maternity shoot.
• I wasn't able to document my pregnancy, especially the earlier stages.
• I didn't have a baby shower.
• I didn't buy baby keepsakes like baby memory book, casting kits, frames, and milestone stickers.
• I didn't have a nice picture with the newborn Nathan.
• Nathan didn't have a newborn studio pictorial.
• I wasn't able to take videos of Nathan when we were still at the hospital.
• I wasn't able to conceptualize a good monthly birthday pictures for Nathan.

I don't want to blame myself entirely though. Some things were beyond my control. I had a very difficult first trimester so I wasn't able to blog for several months (that was my idea of documentation). I stayed mostly at the house so I never felt the need to buy nice but expensive maternity clothes and have my pictures taken. I didn't have a baby shower because no one here in Edmonton will throw me one. And because I quit working, I didn't have my own money to spend on some pregnancy whims like maternity shoots and baby keepsakes. My husband naman is clueless about those things kaya nahihiya akong masyadong gumastos. We've already spent a lot on the baby's basic needs eh.

But sige, now I will admit that when I was still pregnant, I was so afraid of buying so much for the baby for the fear of "jinx." I remember that when my friend Mels was pregnant with her second child, she told me that she didn't want to post so much on Facebook about her pregnancy because something might happen to the baby. I felt the same way. Ayokong magpaka-OA agad when it comes to Chicklet. I was so praning talaga that time.

I kept on telling myself that had I been in the Philippines during my pregnancy, I would have enjoyed it so much. I can buy everything I want, have my pictures taken every day, experience a baby shower, have somebody else to take Nathan's pictures and videos after I gave birth, etc. My mistake is not contextualizing my pregnancy here in Edmonton. I should have planned and acted based on our current situation.

Hay, regrets regrets. But I guess I've learned my lessons now. My son is already 2 1/2 months old and I realized that I couldn't bring back time. Sadly, I can no longer take a good picture of his one-month self. I realized that I am dealing with a human being now, hindi ko puwedeng i-delay ang mga puwede kong gawin. I need to plan ahead. And I have to enjoy my every moment with him kasi hindi siya bata forever. I am lucky because I am given the chance to be with him 24/7. I should be grateful.

Kung ako ang masusunod, si Nathan na siguro ang only baby ko. But if we'll be gifted with another bundle of joy, alam ko na ang gagawin ko.

------

Nathan Anak, I am so sorry for all my shortcomings. I know that I am not that bad in terms of mothering you but I feel that I could do more, could have done more. I am not sure what will you like or be like in the future that is why I want to do everything for you now, para akong regrets kung sakali. Promise, mommy will make it up to you.

Mommy-look-alike

For the first time, sinuotan ni Ford si Nathan ng ganito.

Mukha raw babae, sabi niya.

I took some pictures and when I am browsing them, I suddenly realized that my soon looks 'familiar.' I checked on my FB account and searched for my old picture.

Hala, ako nga ang kamukha ni Nathan! That picture was taken on my first birthday.

I honestly never expected na 'matapang' ang dugo ko. All along, I thought my son would 100% look like his dad - both in face and color. But it turned out na kakulay ko siya! He has some of his dad's features (i.e. chubby cheeks, nose holes) and many people tell us that they are look-alike. Pero sa tingin talaga namin ni Pod, mas ako ang kamukha niya.

Oh well, it doesn't really matter. Pero nakakatuwa rin pala magkaroon ng mini-me hahaha! =)